Better Off Ed
by Moskevyu
Summary: Eddy tries to cash in on Edd's misfortune.


The characters appearing in this story are property of Aka Cartoon and Cartoon Network. I neither own nor profit from them.

**Better Off Ed**

"Hey Double-D! Get up!" Eddy shook Edd. "C'mon, Edd."

Edd lolled his head, sleepily. "Eddy?"

Ed started playing with the skull on Edd's desk.

"Double-Deee-eee," Eddy sang. "Get up, Double-Deee."

"Mmmnnnnhh. Go away, Eddy. I don't feel well."

"Baloney, it's summer. Quit fakin' it."

"I don't think he is faking, Eddy. He looks like one of the experimental victims of the Certryu Narrowalkers, from Outer Formica, who used Double-D as a guinea pig to test the Neoquera Virus!"

"Whatever, Ed." Eddy pulled the blankets from Edd's bed.

Edd shivered. "Ed-d-d-dy! It's f-f-f-freezing! G-g-give those b-b-back!"

"What are ya' talking about? It's ninety degrees in here!"

"Just what do you think you're doing?" Eddy turned to find Edd's mother standing in his doorway.

"Heh-heh, hi, Mrs.-uh-I mean, Dr. Klinefelter, Ma'am... heh-heh. We-we were just getting Double-D up."

"He's sick. He shouldn't be up." Charlotte pointed toward the stairs. "Now, both of you please leave."

The boys quickly left the room. Eddy turned to look back through Edd's door before heading down the stairs. He stood and watched Charlotte check his temperature and tuck his blankets back around him. "He must really be good if he can fool his mom."

-

Eddy decided the day was best spent watching movies with Ed, since they couldn't use Edd for any scams. The phone rang during dinner, and Eddy's mom took the cordless to another room to talk. After dinner, she left for a while and returned with a boxed package, a get-well card, and some gift-wrapping. Eddy picked up the tube of gift-wrap.

"What's all this for?"

"One of your friends was hospitalized. He went to the Emergency Room, this evening."

"Really? For what?"

"Appendicitis."

"Oh, okay." Eddy walked a few feet and stopped. "What's aplendicishius, or whatever?"

"Appendicitis is an infection in the appendix. If it's not treated, your appendix can burst."

"Really? Whoa. Who's got it?"

"Charlotte's kid."

"Double-D? No way!"

"Yes, way... He's in O.R. as we speak."

Eddy sat down, shocked. "I thought he was just trying to get out of chores. I didn't think he was really sick."

-

Evie sent Eddy to deliver Edd's get-well gift, the next day. Edd's dad met him at the door and let him in. "Holy cow!" Eddy gawked at number of presents and cards that sat in the Klinefelters' Living Room. Since no one was looking, Eddy looked through some of the gift tags. Among presents Edd's and relatives, there was a red one from Megan, a small yellow one from Kevin, and a strange-shaped one from Rolf. Ed and Sarah's gifts were obviously wrapped by their mom, and Jimmy's present looked like a hatbox, wrapped in sailor-print paper, topped with a fancy blue satin bow. Jonny's gift was environmentally responsible. It was wrapped in fabric and tied with raffia. There were also packages from some of his friends from school, and some of the parents who were on his paper route. The Kankers even left him a present wrapped in newspaper and a shoelace. _"Man, he doesn't get this much for his birthday,"_ Eddy thought. _"I could really cash in on this appendix stuff!"_

-

Edd came home from the hospital the next day. He was pale from anesthesia sickness, but he looked as if he felt better. Charlotte sent him directly to bed and refused to allow any visitations until the next day, when she allowed Edd to come downstairs and sit on the sofa.

"Hey, Double-D." Eddy smiled and lounged on the sofa next to him. "How ya' feeling?"

"Eddy, could you please keep your feet off the sofa? Thank you."

"Obviously, you're feeling better."

"Yes, I am. Thank you for new computer game."

"You're welcome." Eddy wondered what his mom sent over.

"What else did ya' get? Any money?"

"Well, my parents gave me a scientific calculator, and a higher power sighting lens for my telescope. Megan gave me a book on the Human Genome Project, and Ed gave me an Alien Outlander model kit. From Sarah, I got a coloring book, Jimmy gave me a doll and some doll clothes, I got a pocket tool from Kevin, Rolf gave me some different kinds of sausage and cheeses, and Jonny gave me a little sundial that he wrapped in a new sock hat. The Kankers gave me some pull chain strung through some metal washers and a wing nut. I guess it's a necklace of some sort."

"I can't believe you got stuff from the Kankers... I mean, something that wasn't a trick."

"Just to be safe, I'm not touching it with my bare hands."

"Good thinking."

The doorbell rang. "I'll get it," Charlotte called. Her demeanor brightened when she opened the door. "Oh, hi Nazz," Charlotte grinned. "Come on in. Eddward's over on the sofa."

"Thank you, Dr. Klinefelter." Nazz came into the Living Room with her gift and a bouquet of get-well balloons. Edd froze.

"Hi, Double-D. I was sorry to hear you were sick."

Edd mumbled a shy greeting.

"Hi, Eddy."

"Mah-bla. Ga-blabla-ma-bla."

Nazz broke into to laughter, "You guys are funny!"

Eddy smiled like an idiot.

"Anyway, I wanted to give you these." Nazz handed Edd the balloons and her present.

"Uh, thanks," Edd answered in a small voice. He allowed the balloons to float to the ceiling before he opened Nazz's get-well card. Eddy felt a twinge of jealousy when he saw all the hearts that Nazz drew inside of it. Edd nervously cleared his throat and blushed.

"Thank you for the card."

"Open the present, Double-D!" Nazz urged.

Edd obediently unwrapped Nazz's gift. Inside was a large Tupperware container brimming with chocolate-chip oatmeal cookies. "I made them just for you."

"I think it's a bit soon for him to eat any cookies, Nazz." Charlotte closed the container and took it away from Edd. "But we'll keep them in the pantry until he is."

"Aww, I'm sorry Double-D. I should've asked before bringing food."

"Uh, heh... it's okay, Nazz." Edd gave her a strained grin. The boys could hear Kevin, outside.

"I should be going, now. I just wanted to bring those by." Nazz leaned over and kissed his cheek before heading to the front door. Edd practically fainted.

"You take care of that tummy, okay?"

"He will." Charlotte opened the front door.

"Feel better, soon, Double-D!"

"Thanks for coming by, sweetheart." Charlotte closed the door and went back into the kitchen.

"A KISS from NAZZ?! Double-D, Nazz KISSED you!"

Double-D was still semi-catatonic from the experience.

"I don't believe it! She kissed you!"

"Okay, Eddy," Edd squeaked. "It was only a kiss on the cheek."

"Yeah, right... and Hurricane Alice was only a little summer shower!"

That cinched it. Eddy decided to cash in on Edd's experience by being sick, too. A few mornings later, he stayed in bed.

-

"He's still asleep!" Edd grinned and pointed.

"KNOCK-KNOCK!" Ed leapt for the bed and tackled him. Eddy scuffled with him for a minute before he remembered that he was 'sick.' Then he moaned to get Ed to quit mauling him.

"Ha-ha! That was good, Eddy! You sounded just like the Vampire Sorority Sisters' secret password! Do it again!

"Ohhh, Ed? Is that you?"

Ed and Edd chuckled.

"Come on, Eddy! It's a beautiful day, outside," Edd urged. "My mom said it was okay for me to come out, today."

"Ohhhh." Eddy melodramatically pulled himself into a half-hearted sitting position and fell back onto his pillow.

Ed laughed some more. "Ha-ha! Eddy's funny!"

"Mmmmnnnnhh." Eddy rolled over feebly.

"C'mon Eddy. Quit fooling around!"

Eddy growled in frustration and grabbed Ed's face. "I AM SICK, PUDDING BRAIN!"

Edd's face went white. "Oh, no! I'm near someone sick? In my weakened condition?! I have to go! I have to get out!" Edd struggled at Eddy's door. "It won't open! I'm trapped! I can't get out! This is unsanitary! I CAN'T BREATHE!"

Eddy looked at him sarcastically. "The door _slides_ open, Hamlet."

"Thank you, Eddy." Edd slid open the door. "I must've forgot."

Eddy's mother knocked on his door. "Eddy? Are you up? It's after one."

"Mom? Is that you?" Eddy piped weakly. Realization twisted Edd's face into a grimace.

"Get up, lazy bones. You need to mow the lawn."

"Mom, I don't feel well."

"Of course you don't, you're sleeping at the wrong time of day. Get up and take care of the grass."

"I can't move. My stomach hurts." He looked at Edd's frown and mouthed, _"Not a word!"_ Edd rolled his eyes.

Evelynne came through Eddy's door. "So, you're too sick to mow the lawn, huh? Then why are your friends over?"

"We let ourselves in, Ma'am." Edd explained.

Evie placed her hand on Eddy's forehead. Her eyes narrowed. "You're not hot."

Eddy moaned again. "Why is the room spinning? Where is everyone?"

"Eddy, get up."

He groaned.

"Eddy, I'm warning you. If that grass isn't cut in the next two hours, you'll have some real work to do, mister." Evie turned curtly and left his room.

_"You can feel the love in this house."_ Eddy grumbled.

"Playing sick, Eddy? _Really_." Edd drawled.

"Shut up, Double-D."

-

Eddy wheeled the lawn mower out of the garage and set up a garbage can for the grass clippings. He knew he should've cut the lawn in the morning, when it was cooler. He watched his friends flip through Ed's comic books while lounging under a shady tree. Kevin rode by on his bike. _"Edd even got a present from Kevin," _Eddy remembered.

Eddy started the mower and got to work on the front yard. At one point, he glanced at the Living Room windows and saw his mother was watching him. "Hmmph. She can't even trust me even when I'm running the stupid mower," he grumbled. The sun's heat beat down and he wiped his brow. He made a few more laps around the front yard and found she was still watching him. Edd and Ed now had tall glasses to sip. _"Sheesh! One little fever and the boy gets a free ride,"_ he thought. _"I'll show 'em!"_

Eddy engaged the auto-drive on the lawn mower. Normally, Eddy kept it switched off because he found guiding the mower annoying enough without having the wrestle with it. He wiped his brow and strained against the mower's drive. His mother still watched from the window. Eddy started breathing hard, partly from fighting with the mower, and partly from the heat. He could tell he had Edd's attention, now. "Perrrfect," he thought. "Another lap and I'll have them in the palm of my hand!"

Eddy struggled around another lap and dropped his head low. He took slower steps and let the mower drag him a little. He could tell Edd was really watching him now. He struggled against the mower again, and then, he dropped forward in his best faint. The mower continued moving without him. He kept his face down but he could hear Edd yell as doors banged open.

"ED!"

"It wasn't me!"

"MOOOOOM! HEEELP!"

"SOMEBODY STOP THE MOWER!"

Evie and Dr. Klinefelter were at Eddy's side within nanoseconds. He was dying to open his eyes and watch all the commotion. "Stop the mower, Evie. I've got him," Charlotte directed. She turned him over and shook him a little. "Eddy. Eddy." He could hear Edd approaching while someone finally got the mower turned off. "Mom?"

"Get back! Both of you." Charlotte checked Eddy's pulse and breathing with chilly fingers. "Give me your water."

Eddy guessed what was coming next.

Splash

Eddy rolled his head a bit and opened his eyes. "Huuuunnnnh? Whaaat'ss goinnn' onnn?"

"Slurry speech. Disorientation. Eyes half-dilated. Heat exhaustion, most likely."

Eddy didn't need to look at his mother to sense the avalanche of guilt that landed squarely on her shoulders. He kept his eyes straight ahead and incoherent, while he heard the neighborhood kids assemble in the street.

"What's up with Dorky?"

"Plank said he saw a bunch of commotion."

"Something has possessed Short-in-the-Saddle Ed-Boy."

"What's going on, guys?"

"Hi, Nazz."

"What did my idiot brother do, now?"

"The squash has soured No-Neck Ed-Boy's rhubarb."

"I'm scared. Hold me, Sarah."

"YOU'RE IN TROUBLE, ED!"

_"Am I good or what?"_ Eddy thought.

"Let's get him in the house," Charlotte suggested. "We need to get him cooled off and hydrated." Evie and Charlotte lifted Eddy into a sitting position and urged him to his feet. He made a few feeble attempts at taking steps, but feigned another collapse for effect. Evie and Charlotte ended up carrying him inside.

"Hey, Double-Dork! What's going on?"

"My mom says it's heat exhaustion, Kevin."

"No-Account Ed-boy has even less vigor than my Nana's boiled cabbage."

"Good one, Rolf! He-he-heh-ha-ha-ha!"

"Rolf was not joking."

"Hey guys, you want to come hear the new Cat Trank Wombats CD? I just got it, today."

"Cool, Nazz."

"Let's go check on our popsicles, Sarah!"

"How about another round of checkers, Plank?"

Edd sighed. "C'mon Ed. Let's go check on Eddy."

"Liver and onions."

-

Eddy had his mother running like clockwork. Every time she suggested trying something, he instantly played weak or dizzy. Evie leapt to refresh his ice pack, or get him some more cold water each time. He kept her wrapped around his little finger, until she looked at the clock and remembered the sprinklers. "Eddy, I need to finish the lawn."

"Let me, Mother. I was supposed to..." He made a weak move to stand up.

"Don't you dare get up! You'll hurt yourself!"

"But, Mom..."

"No. I'll do it. You stay there and rest."

"Yes, Ma'am."

Evelynne stepped out through the garage door.

"How are you feeling Eddy?"

"Fine. How are you?" Eddy shot Edd a smart look.

"Eddy!"

"Shhh."

_"You scared the molasses out of us! How could you?!"_

_"Just cashing in on your brilliance, Double-D."_

_"What are you talking about?_

_"Your little appendix episode, of course."_

_"I wasn't faking an appendicitis!"_

_"Yeah, but you got more loot than you ever get for your birthday, not to mention that kiss from Nazz. Heck, your mom is practically at your feet."_

_"But Eddy..."_

_"Relax, Double-D. Enjoy the ride. I'll bet we can take this gravy train through the rest of the summer."_

_"You should be ashamed of yourself. This is terrible."_

Eddy adjusted his position on the sofa. "Hey, turn on the T.V., Ed. Let's see what's on."

"Okie-dokie, Mr. Eddy." Ed clicked on the television and skipped through the channels. Soon he found a live telecast of a ballroom dancing championship. "Fancy."

"Lame! C'mon Ed, change the channel," Eddy growled.

Ed ignored him.

"Earth to Ed... HEY ED!"

"No more talking."

"Oh, okay, Lumpy." Eddy got up and made a grab for the remote. "Gimme that!"

"Get your own!"

"Ed!"

Ed started play wrestling with Eddy, and then dragged him into the middle of the room to dance like the dancers he saw on television. Eddy was not amused and kept struggling against Ed's grasp. Edd giggled, despite his stitches.

"Hey Eddy? Where does your father keep the grease gun?" Evelynne came back into the house unexpectedly. Her look turned angry. "You sneaky little huckster..."

Eddy tried to act faint but it didn't work.

"Oh, yeah... You're _real_ sick. Get your fanny out there and finish the grass! The when you're done you can come back in and scrub the kitchen down, then vacuum and clean your room!"

Eddy glared at Ed and pulled away from him. In doing so, he felt a twinge of pain in his stomach. He paused and felt it with his hand.

Evelynne, already angry that she'd been tricked, directed him toward the garage. When he was back outside, she turned to his friends. "I think Eddy is done playing for the day."

"We should go, Ed. Sorry, Mrs. Lemiere."

"See you. I'm glad you're feeling better Eddward."

-

Eddy grumbled his way through the rest of the lawn and finished right before the sprinklers came on. He felt really hot and went back inside to cool off before getting started on the kitchen. Even after sitting quietly for several minutes, he still felt hot. "Mom must've turned the A.C. off again." He got up. "Hey Mom! Quit being stingy with the air conditioning!"

"The thermostat's at 72, Eddy."

"Really? I'm frying." Eddy wiped his brow.

Eddy decided to try eating something cold. Ice cream seemed like a good idea. When he sat down to eat it, he felt the pain in his stomach again. Eating the ice cream made him feel slightly better, but only for a little while. He decided to lay down someplace cool. Shortly after laying down, however, his ears buzzed and he felt the room spin. It wasn't long before he made a mad dash for the bathroom.

Evie cast a sardonic look down the hall. "Trying to avoid more chores? It's not working."

A very convincing noise came from the bathroom.

"Eddy?" His mother poked her head around the bathroom door. "You okay?"

Eddy heaved again, and leaned against the bathtub. "Maaaaann. What was in that pasta last night?"

"Nothing. I had some and I'm fine." She moistened a towel in the sink and handed it to Eddy. "What else have you eaten?"

"Uh, I had ice cream a while ago." He wiped his face. "Nothing for breakfast."

"Maybe ice cream is too rich to eat on an empty stomach."

"It never made me sick, before."

Evie placed a hand on his sweaty forehead. "Whoa, buddy! You're burning up."

"Then why do I feel so cold?" Eddy shivered.

-

Eddy's mom helped him back to his room and into his pajamas. He felt faint, dizzy, and cold. His stomach hurt. The second he got into bed, he cocooned himself in his sheets and bedspread, and shivered. Evie brought in a glass of ice water and a strip thermometer for his forehead. She looked at it after a moment and shook her head.

Eddy felt worse as time dragged on. Evie finally called Dr. Klinefelter and she came back over. Charlotte looked him over and noted his symptoms. Then she prodded a few places on his stomach. The pain in his stomach was much stronger and surged when certain places were pressed. He winced. Charlotte poked around a few other spots and consulted with Evelynne outside his door.

The next thing he knew he was in the car, en route to Peach Creek Hospital. After an hour in a cubicle, drawn blood, three nurses, and an ultrasound, an I.V. was neatly inserted above his right wrist. His left was wrapped in a plastic ID bracelet. Something was injected into the I.V. that made him drowsy and words didn't make sense anymore. He felt as if he was lighter than air, but his limbs acted like solid lead whenever he tried to move. He saw his mother's face pass over him and discovered that he was moving again. Lights and hallways floated by. Doors opened and closed and walls changed from white to green. The people around him shifted, too. Doctors and nurses changed from smiles in white coats, to eyes behind green scrubs, masks, and caps. Lights were bright. He was moved onto a table. Someone kept talking at him while others moved and swirled around in blurs. Hands attached things to his chest. Something was placed over his face and his hand was raised. More talking. Eyes. Masks. Gloves. Then nothing.

-

_"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."_

Eddy woke to the drip alarm on his I.V. pump. The pump beeped again. Eddy shifted his eyes around blearily. He was in another room. This one was quiet, except for the pump and some other equipment. Someone in salmon-colored scrubs got up from a nearby chair. "Right on time. Good." He shut the alarm off. "Don't worry about that. These things go off whenever we have to change bags." The fellow left for a minute, and returned with a clipboard and another I.V. bag. "Your appendectomy came off without a single hitch. By the way, my name is Eddy, too."

Eddy tried to reply, but he gagged. There was a tube in his throat that came out through his nose. "You alright? That's kind of a rude way to discover a nasogastric tube, huh?" Eddy wasn't capable of a fully clear thought, yet, but he decided this guy was entirely too chipper for his liking. "You'll have that for a while," he continued. "We have to keep your stomach empty."

"Doc?" Eddy rasped.

"Actually, I'm a nurse. Your doctor will be by in a little while. Mind if I check some things?" He checked Eddy's vitals and wrote some things down. "How are you feeling?"

Eddy had no idea how to answer that. His stomach might've been empty, but he still felt sick. His throat was sore. His stomach was sore. His body felt like it wasn't his. He couldn't tell where he was. Where were his parents? What was this nurse guy so happy about?

"Alrighty, we'll get to that later, then," the nurse smiled. "You're probably still foggy. Can you take a deep breath for me?"

Eddy tried that and grabbed his stomach in surprise. _"Obviously, this guy's a sadist," _he thought. He could feel a bandage under his gown.

"Okay, now cough it out."

"Are you nuts?"

"Nope. I'm asking you the keep your lungs clear. You don't want pneumonia, do you?"

_"He's a sadist, and insane," _Eddy thought.

"Practice breathing and coughing for a while. I know it hurts, but we'll have you up and walking in an hour. Won't that be fun?"

_"Ugh! The irony!"_ Eddy thought. _"Forget this!"_

**END**


End file.
